It’s been a while, you are still often in my thoughts, but it doesn’t hurt much anymore.
I’ve been shredding all my old photos in preparation for moving and getting rid of other possessions. It is an odd change in philosophy; we spend our entire lives collecting things and now I am trying to get rid of what I have collected.
I was shredding the photos of an old girlfriend, my second one. I had terrible regrets about breaking up with her at the time, and one for whom I would have done anything. Now I can’t remember what the big deal was about, I have no desire to ever see her again, and am not sure I could even pick her out of a lineup.
I have six weeks training lined up in Europe followed by a month in Hong Kong then two months in Korea. I doubt I will see you there, but should we bump into each other it makes no difference, I no longer care.
I keep dreaming about you, I wish it would stop.
My fighting dreams used to be so happy but dreaming of you I am always sad when I wake up.
My Korean slowly gets better, even my very limited level was quite useful in Korea,
I will be fluent someday. I will be back there for a few months next year. I gave up the Japanese as learning that along with Chinese writing as well was proving too much.
The six pack that you boasted about the fellow students having is on its way, not that you will ever see it. I finished writing the novel and the screenplay that I started. You will never read them but if you did you would see your shadows in them.
I stopped writing on the blog during my travels but now I am back in Hong Kong I hope that by writing down these thoughts I can let them pass rather than have them constantly on the boil. Please get out of my head.
I know there is no chance of being with you in the future.
I have more more unhappy since you left then at any time previously in my life.
It has been four months and I still feel the same way.
I so much want things to be different. I don’t want a life of unhappiness.
People tell me to let go of the old or you cannot welcome the new.
Actually I really want to meet someone else and end this suffering but it is so difficult.
I love you so much, I can’t help it.
I know that you don’t love me any more, that you will get married to your new boyfriend, that we will never be together again.
I have never been so unhappy, I thought I was getting back on my feet, but I can’t get over it.
Why do I dream of the impossible? I can’t help the desire to be with you.
When you were here and you explained what you wanted, logically I understood that
your career along with an unspecified time away in another country were not what I wanted.
To hold you back seemed selfish and the logical part of this reasoning made it seem correct to let you go.
My instincts though wanted you to stay with me, which I suppressed with logic, but as the logic faded and became less important the instincts remained. I would have thought it would have been the other way around, maybe it was for you.
It is my fault that you left, when I realised my mistake it was too late to get you back.
Although finally I understand my own behaviour, the sorrow has not diminished.
I understand events but my pain does not get any less. I wish my feelings for you would disappear. I don’t want to suffer like this any more.
Someone is keen to know me better, but I am not interested in them, the attraction is not there. When they contact me it is reasonable enough, but ultimately annoying. I reply politely but hope that they will stop.
I wonder if you feel the same way when you hear from me. I do not want you to feel like that, I would rather end all contact with you.
It seems tragic for a deep and passionate love to merely generate annoyance on the part of the recipient.